


Arindale, Barsenthor of the Jedi Order

by smclww



Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: Action/Adventure, F/M, Love, Romance, Slow Burn, Smut, Story Arc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-02-23 11:15:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13188903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smclww/pseuds/smclww
Summary: This story picks up after the Crisis on Umbara. Arindale, Barsenthor of the Jedi Order, is in shock from the betrayal of the love of her life Theron Shan. She is trying to cope with her feelings and move on but it is proving to be more of a challenge then she thought. With new players coming into the game, will The Eternal Alliance last or will Arin crumble along with her friends under the pressure of the Republic and Empire? Will she ever be back with Theron again? Or will there be a new man in the future for the former Jedi Master?





	1. Once a Jedi, Always a Jedi..Right?

“There is no emotion, there is peace…” Arin started reciting to calm herself. But no matter how she tried to find her center, all she could feel was an overwhelming flow of emotions….despair… betrayal….and yes, ...even anger? How had she become like this? What did she ever do to cause her life to become an entertainment show for the whole galaxy to witness and mock?

“Commander, are you okay?” Arin could hear a faint voice asking, but at that moment all she could focus on was the last few seconds that she had with Theron back on Umbara. 

“…the Alliance outgrew you. Now it’s rotting from the inside, the galaxy’s fighting back, and you’ve become a symbol of oppression.” 

‘How could Theron, of all people, say that to me?’ she thought, ‘I did everything for this galaxy, put my life on the line so many times, sacrificed my happiness for the benefit of others… and now of all the things to be called a symbol of oppression?’

She could feel herself getting emotional and her power getting out of control. “Calm yourself Arin,” she murmured quietly, “Remember there is no emotion, there is peace. There is no ignorance, there is knowledge. There is no passion, there is seren….” but as she whispered the Jedi Code, her gaze fell on Theron’s jacket... the one he’d left behind before leaving for Umbara. Before she could stop it, rage overcame her.

Arindale, Barsen’thor of the Jedi Order, began to throw balls of white-hot energy toward the red jacket and at the monitors surrounding it in the war room. Unconscious of it, she released all of the anger - the betrayal. Once the jacket was nothing but a pile of ash, Arin looked up at the dismayed faces of her friends… her allies. She fell to her knees crying and clutching her head between her hands.

“Commander!” she could feel herself slipping away as Lana ran up to her, kneeling beside her and holding on to her. From somewhere above her she heard Lana command, “Leave! All of you! NOW! NOBODY comes in until I give permission.” 

As the sounds of the remaining few Alliance members scrambling from the room could be heard, Arin could sense Lana glancing at her, and then around at the room’s destruction. Lana’s anger was radiating from her. “Fuck… that… that son of a bitch! I should never have trusted him… this my entirely fault,” the Sith Lord murmured. Arin jerked her head up at the word ‘fault.’ 

“Lana,” she said with a croak, “this is definitely not your fault, it is mine. I am the Alliance Commander, was the Barsen’thor of the Jedi Order, and I alone failed my code. I became emotionally involved with someone I should have never been with in the first place and as a result…” She paused, her voice breaking, “I failed the Eternal Alliance.”  
Lana began to protest. Holding up a hand to stop her, Arin said quietly, “Lana I need a break. I know we need to…I know you...want to talk about my lack of control ...but right now I need to retire to my quarters and get some sleep.” 

Lana stared silently at her friend for a brief moment and then nodded, helping Arin to stand up. The Sith Lord stood alone in the war room for a time after that, fists clenched in anger at the sad betrayal she could still feel in the room - the Force was full of it.


	2. “Odd Sensations”

She needed to be alone. Now.

Arin made her way quickly to her private quarters and along the way she saw Alliance members glancing at her, then quickly looking away… others were whispering amongst each other, doing a poor job at disguising it. Shame immediately filled her - Jedi Master Arindale, the Alliance Commander, a topic of gossip. 

Inwardly groaning, Arin mused silently to herself, ‘Why do I feel like I have set in motion things that I cannot correct?’ The throbbing in her head sent shards of pain throughout her skull, an ache that made it hard to concentrate. Thanking the Force as she neared her private quarters, solitude so close she could almost feel it, Arin glanced further down the dimly lit hallway to see Arcann heading her way. 

His confident strides faltered for the briefest of moments when his gaze settled upon her. For a second… no… Arin thought she saw a flicker of concern, and perhaps something else... though she wasn’t able to decipher it fully before the former Emperor’s face returned to a neutral mask. Continuing on her path toward her quarters, she breathed an inward sigh of relief when they passed each other by without a word.

Just as Arin reached her hand out to the controls that would open the door leading into her private sanctuary, Arcann’s raspy voice filled hallway, “Commander, do you have a moment?” 

Turning to face him, Arin attempted to compose herself. “Sure, what can I help you with?” 

Meeting his eyes, she felt as if he was trying to see right through to her soul - an intensity in his stare that she hadn’t expected. Just as the silent moment began to feel uncomfortable, Arcann took a step closer to her, “What happened today on Umbara, it is not your fault. No one could have prepared for Shan’s betrayal. He was the least likely person anyone would have thought to pull something like this--” 

“It doesn’t matter,” Arin interjected, “I should never have let my guard down. You would have thought, after everything that’s happened over the last few years, I would have learned.” She could feel herself getting angry again, these moments bringing an inability to control herself - an inability to control the intangible remnants of Valkorion and Vaylin’s power that still resided deep inside her. 

Arin could see Arcann gearing up to speak again. Knowing that she couldn’t handle anymore interaction for much longer she raised a hand to stop him and abruptly turned away, returned to the doorway of her quarters. “Arcann, I am not having this conversation right now. I need to meditate and try to get some rest. This day has been very… trying...” 

Arcann quickly reached out, gently grasping her forearm to stop her. His touch brought with it an electric charge that ran through her body, giving her a heightened sense of awareness - he was standing so close - too close. 

Yanking her arm out of his grasp, she met his eyes again, this time with anger clearly displayed on her features. Arcann made a frustrated growl, his deep voice filled with frustration as he said, “Fine. But you must know you cannot avoid talking about this forever, Arindale.” 

Nodding slightly to her, the former Emperor turned away and headed toward the War Room, leaving Arin standing in the deserted hallway. Anger melted into a feeling of unease - never had Arcann spoken to her like that - much less said her full name. It had always been “Commander,” or “Jedi.”

It was then that Arin realized she’d been holding on to her forearm where Arcann had touched her. Why had this unsettled her so much? Her arm had a subtle warmth to it - like his touch has been a comfort in a time when all she felt was hurt… where did this come from? Why? Perhaps it wasn’t just Valkorion and Vaylin that had left a mark on her… Arcann had been there too. Seen the darkest place of her mind and soul… 

Sighing heavily and feeling more weary than she could ever remember feeling, Arindale entered her quarters, welcoming the solitude as if it were a dear friend.


	3. “Rumors and Denial”

Two days after the confrontation with Arcann and her loss of control in the War Room, Arindale jerked awake from a deep meditation to the sound of someone repeatedly pounding on her door. 

“Commander… COMMANDER… Are you in there?” 

With a deep sigh of resignation Arin called out, “Yes, I’m here. Just give me a second.” Slowly rising to her feet, she waited for the pounding to cease, but it continued as though the person on the other side hadn’t heard her through the comm device at the door. Finally, when Arin felt as though she couldn't take it any longer, she used the a wave of force energy to slam the door open... Tora, the main engineer of the Gravestone, came tumbling in, landing roughly on the floor.

As Tora picked herself up, rubbing a particularly sore spot on her hip she grunted out, “Sure took you long enough, Commander.” The engineer’s blue hair was in slight disarray, forcing Tora to run her grease-smudged hands through it several times.

Rolling her eyes in exasperation, Arin replied, “I said I was here and to give me a second, but you wouldn’t stop pounding on my door. Quite frankly, I had heard enough of it.” Tora let out her signature barking laugh, looking as though she was about to reply, but Arin cheekily added, “What...wanting to check and see if I was finally dead so you can take my stuff?” 

Tora shot Arindale a look of surprise, then, as if to recover her composure, crossed her arms in a casual pose. She looked around Arin’s private quarters in evaluation before replying, “Don’t worry. I already know what I want, just wanted to make sure you didn’t fuck them up before I could get ahold of them.” 

Arin stared blankly at the engineer for a brief, silent moment… then burst out in laughter. Before she knew what had happened, both she and Tora were laughing so hard they were wiping at their eyes to staunch their tears.

“Well Commander, I came here to tell you that Lana would like to see you in the War Room,” Tora finally sputters out, seeming to catch her breath. 

Arin’s brow furrowed, the moment of levity now gone. “Fine, I will make my way to see her.” 

“See you later, Commander,” Tora replied, beginning to walk out of the room. But she hesitated then, stopping to turn around. After a brief pause she continued, “It’s good to see you smile and laugh again Commander. A lot of people are worried about you here and would do anything for you… just… just remember that okay.” 

Touched by the normally brash engineer’s thoughtful words, Arin smiled weakly back while saying, “Thank you, Tora… I just need some time. Though it seems time is something I am never going to have on my side.” Tora nods, offering a weak smile in return as she retreated from the room. 

Standing still, once again alone in her private quarters Arin took a deep, calming breath, attempting to shake herself off. “Alright, Arin, you can do this,” she muttered aloud as she began towards the War Room. 

\---

Arin walked into the War Room just as Lana was finishing up a conversation with Arcann and Senya. “Ah, Commander. Welcome back.” The Sith Lord had a tense look on her face, “we actually received some rumors regarding Theron’s whereabouts, they say--” 

“Are you sure we should talk about this right now?” Senya, the former Emperor’s mother and Knight of Zakuul, interjected. 

Arin glanced sharply at the older woman, her senses on alert. ‘Great,’ Arin thought, ‘Now Senya thinks I’m emotionally unstable.’

Before Arin had an opportunity to speak, a raspy voice broke through her thoughts, “I think the Commander can handle this, mother.”

“Fine,” Senya said in resignation, “let’s discuss these rumors about the traitor.” There was venom in her voice - Senya had trusted Theron a great deal and Arin knew that his betrayal had an impact on the Zakuulan.

“Good,” Lana began, “There are reports that Shan has been seen on Nar Shaddaa selling Alliance secrets to potential buyers.” As Lana spoke, she was staring at Arin, gauging how she was taking the news. 

“It’s okay Lana, please continue,” Arin forced out with a sigh. She could feel everyone's eyes upon her, trying to see if she really meant that. After a silent pause, she repeated, “Continue, Lana. This a priority and we must preserve this Alliance and the people under our protection at any cost.” 

The Sith Lord cleared her throat and continued on, “The news hasn’t been confirmed for sure, just a rumor at best right now. However, with Theron… I mean… the traitor, having unfiltered access to our data banks, he is in possession of information that other people would pay very handsomely for.”

“It makes no sense. Why would Theron sell our secrets?” Arin mused out loud, “He said the Alliance was rotting from the inside...” 

“He wants to be rid of the Alliance, Republic, and Sith it seems” Arcann smoothly interjected, just as Arin was beginning to lose her control of her emotions. “He is willing to watch us tear each other apart in order to obtain his goal.” 

“That cannot be true!” Arin yelled out, her control slipping even further... she could feel herself reaching a breaking point just as the lights in the War Room started to flicker and the ground started to rumble. 

“Commander… take a breath,” Lana started to say, but Arin snapped.

“Do you think I want this to happen? That I want people to see me like this?!” The ground was shaking with increased ferocity and Arin felt the energy in her body build up to the point where she needed to release it… badly. 

“No,” the Sith Lord sputtered out, “I do not. I am trying to help you through this.” 

“No one can help me through this, Lana. It was my fault. This is happening now because of me. It is my responsibility to handle this and I do not need people thinking I am weak or incompetent. I do not need people questioning my ability to lead.”

Control. Arin needed to focus on control… but she couldn’t. 

Arcann came to her side, forcing her to face him, “Look at me, Commander.” She closed her eyes, attempting to block him out any way she could. “Arindale. Look at me.” 

Her master’s at the academy, back when she was still a youngling, had always warned her against her stubbornness. It’s wasn’t a “Jedi trait,” they would say. Yet Arin only grew more stubborn as she got older - Just as she was being stubborn now. 

She felt Arcann’s hand gently touch her under her chin, drawing her closer to him. Opening her tortured eyes to meet his, she felt a jolt go through her body and a warmth spread throughout. For just for a moment… a single moment… she felt at peace. Everything was fine.

“Breath with me.” He said softly, voice filled with patience and an understanding she hadn’t expected, “It will be okay. He will be found. The Alliance - your Alliance - will be fine.” 

“You cannot know that,” Arin whispered so quietly that only Arcann could hear. “The shame is mine alone. The failure.”

Time stood still as the Jedi Master and former Emperor stared at each other. It felt like the force was circling around them. No one else mattered. No one else was the in the room with them. Arcann cupped Arin’s face with his left hand and replied, “There is no shame - not for you. He betrayed us all. He fooled us all... and he will pay dearly for it, I swear.”

Arcann paused, taking a breath while running the rough pad of his thumb across Arin’s cheek, “He hurt you… the Alliance… I will not let this injustice stand.” The conviction in his voice ringing clear.

“Why do you care so much about this?” Arindale said with tears now running freely down her cheeks, having given up on maintaining any semblance of control. 

“Because you alone believed in me when no other being in the galaxy would. You kept believing there was good in me despite the times I tried to hurt you…. you saved me from the darkness that was spreading within me, and I will forever be indebted to you.”


	4. "Memories"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is smut in here! So you’ve been forewarned :)

…. you saved me from the darkness that was spreading within me, and I will forever be indebted to you.”

Arin let out a deep sigh as she maneuvered her way through the Alliance base - She knew Arcann felt an obligation toward her and the Alliance for saving him... but it seemed like he was trying to convey something to her and frankly, right now, she could not handle thinking more into that.

So what did she, the highly esteemed Alliance Commander, do? Stutter out an inelegant "Oh... uh... thanks, Arcann... I think C2-N2 needed me to go handle something for him and I... uh... promised him that I would report back as soon as possible," as she hurriedly backpedaled away from him and left the room.

"Well that was interesting," she heard Senya mutter to Lana as she scurried away. She also couldn't help but notice Arcann looking a bit chagrin at her hasty retreat.

So here she was - running away. Yet again. Attempting to escape another problem rather than confront it. She could see C2-N2 in the distance and headed his way, choosing to make true the excuse she had used to get away from Arcann and the others.

As she walked up to him, he seemed to be in the middle of being reprimanded by Bey'wan Aygo. "... listen here, droid, my men and I worked hard moving these parts into the training room for it to be updated and I do not need you to mess it up AGAIN," Bey'wan stressed as his last few men walked out of the room.

"Oh my, I would never do that," C2 muttered hurriedly in protest, "The first time was not my fault! It was that darn 2V-R8 that did that, sir."

"Uh huh, sure it was," Aygo slowly drawled back as he stared down at C2-N2. The poor droid looked like he was about to burst a few circuits if Bey'wan didn't stop.

Arin cleared her throat to announce her presence before adding, "Everything okay here, guys?"

Aygo jumped back, appearing slightly startled, and replied "Sorry Commander. Yes, everything is fine. Do you need help with anything?" Arin inwardly chuckled at the flustering of the former Republic Fleet Admiral.

"No, I'm fine. I was just here to check on C2-N2 and maybe even utilize the training room for a bit before it's closed off. I'm excited for the improvements we have planned for it," she responded back with a smile.

C2-N2 clapped his hands together as he chirped out, "Oh, why yes, Master, please do get some of your rotations in before it's closed! And do be on the look out for 2V-R8 because you know... he was the one that ruined... uhmm... the last parts. "

Arin could see out the corner of her eye Aygo shooting C2 a glare and before she could respond the droid blurted out, "Well, good day! I need to check on T7 and make sure he is staying out of trouble!"

As C2 scurried off, Bey'wan turned to face Arin, "You sure you're good Commander? I don't mind helping you with anything," as a smile spread across his face.

"Thank you, but I'm fine. I really appreciate the offer but I'm sure you are needed elsewhere and you don't need me to take up too much of your time," she stated firmly as returned his smile with one of her own.

"Alright, just let me know if you need me." Aygo replied over his shoulder as he walked off.

Arin walked into the training room and glanced around to survey the space. With the planned improvements, portions of the room was occupied by large crates filled with equipment that would be installed over the next few weeks. Luckily it appeared that Aygo had his men stack almost everything along the east wall of the room, leaving her plenty of space to maneuver.

She proceeded to a console located at the far right of the room, loaded up the training menu and swiped down until she found the advanced difficulty training program she'd designed with Lana's assistance. After clicking on it she made her way to the center of the room.

The sound of the training UI's warning system rang out through the room: "You have selected the advanced difficulty training module. Please be advised that this module is the highest difficulty available and can cause serious harm. Please speak your access code now."

"0207," Arin replied as she readjusted her black, faded leather gloves and waited for the final step of the startup sequence.

"Good afternoon, Commander Thaumarturgus. Please prepare yourself. The training module will begin in 10 seconds." Arin could hear the combat remote warm up as it slowly started to levitate in front of her.

"Alright Arin," she whispered to herself as she slowly closed her eyes, "let everything fall away and focus." She could feel the force flowing slowly around her as the faint robotic voice counted down.

"3, 2, 1. Advanced training module activated."

Her hand slowly hovered over her saber as she waited for the initial attack. A shifting of the force was the only alert she had, creating an awareness of impending danger. As she snapped opened her eyes, a multitude of laser beams headed for her.

She quickly diverted a few beams away with the flick of her hand, while somersaulting away from the others. As she landed into a crouch with her back facing the combat remote she felt a few more shots being directed toward her. Rolling away to the left, Arin whipped out her saber, counteracting the red beams coming at her in a few efficient strokes.

White sparks were flying all around her as she continued to swing her saber around, connecting with the beams in a flurry. Her attacks appeared like a well practiced dance as she moved through the room with ease.

It seemed like an eternity passed for Arin as she continued to evade and block the assault while pushing her powers to the limit. Following a rather complicated series of flips and somersaults, Arin spun around to face the combat remote just as the UI system once again rang out through the room, "Congratulations, Commander. You have successfully completed the advanced training module. Please remain on alert until the system has completed the shut down sequence."

While swinging her saber around between both hands, Arin let out a deep breath. The combat remote slowly lowered to the floor and the sound of the room's training system disengaging signaled that she was in the clear. With one final spin of her dual bladed weapon, she deactivated the saber and clipped it to her utility belt.

As she started toward the door, she heard a noise - unexpected in the stillness of the room, Arin was once again on alert. Questioning whether the system had completely shut down, she made her way slowly toward the noise. It sounded like it was coming from behind the crates Aygo and the others had placed against the walls.

Without warning what appeared to be a baby makrin darted out past her, scurrying with it's long legs to the training room door. Wondering how that creature had possibly made it's way into the base undetected, Arin realized that the makrin had knocked several boxes off balance in it's rush to evade her. With a curse, she jerked around quickly and used her mind to stabilize them.

Lifting them to join a small pile of crates that were set up on the east side of the room, Arin turned to make sure that everything was once again in order... and froze. Her gaze settled on an old set of training blades that had been, until now, blocked from view by the crates that was in front of them.

Arin felt herself go numb as she recalled the memory rushing to her...

* * *

 

Arin took a running leap and somersaulted over the training droid that approached her. She thew her saber out in an arch toward the droid as she twirled to evade it. Sparks flew all around her as the now decapitated droid flopped to the ground.

"Did you have to do that?!" Dr. Oggurobb cried out as Arin turned around and walked toward him.

Letting out a laugh at the miserable look on the Hutt's face Arin replied with a smirk, "Don't we have plenty of other training droids on hand?"

"That's not the point." The Hutt heaved a great sigh, looking to the droid with dismay.

"Oh, really? Enlighten me then," Arin said as she folded her arms across her chest.

"I wouldn't even try to Doctor," a voice drawled out from behind Arin. She inwardly let out a groan - there was no mistaking that sexy low baritone voice. She slowly turned around to see Theron Shan walking toward her and the Hutt.

Slowly letting her gaze drift over him, Arin couldn't help but appreciate the view - Tall and lean, the former republic spy moved like an agile predator, his movements that of an experienced fighter.

It was then she realized that both Shan and Dr. Oggurobb were looking at her. "Umm..." Arin stuttered out weakly, "Did I miss something?"

Theron smirked at her and Arin could feel her face flush. "I was merely telling Dr. Oggurobb that it was pointless to argue with you because it would get him nowhere. You Jedi are a stubborn bunch." He then whipped out his datapad, typed something on it and placed back inside his jacket.

"That is not true!" Arin snapped back.

She fumed, irritated that the former SIS Agent would even presume to know her at all. Arin was already agitated with him...again. Whenever Theron was in the same room as her it was like he knew what buttons to push to frustrate her - to break her concentration. All the training she had learned on Tython was for naught, it seemed... and considering the fact that they had unresolved issues between them made the situation even more strained.

Theron crossed his arms as he arched his right eyebrow, as if daring her to continue. They remained that way for several silent moments - staring at each other as the tension continued to grow.

Dr. Oggurobb cleared his throat and made his way to the door, turning for a second as he replied, "There are some tests I need to finish up and time is of the essence. Until later, Commander. Agent Shan."

Once the Hutt was completely out of the room, Theron turned back toward her with determination clear on his face. "We need to talk."

She could tell, from the way he looked at her where this conversation was about to go... and if she were completely honest, she wanted to avoid it. Since he'd arrived on Odessen a month ago, Arin had avoided being alone with Theron - Separation from him was a priority for her. Her emotions were still raw and there was no telling what would be said... or things done... if they spoke about their 5 year hiatus.

"Actually, now is not the best time," Arin threw back as she made her way to the combat remote console. "I have a schedule to keep and if it is an important matter we can discuss it once Lana is available to meet with us."

"Oh, I see," Theron snapped back, "After the silent treatment you've been giving me - real mature, by the way - training against a few under-powered droids is more important then talking to me?"

She jerked to a stop at his unexpected and emotionally charged response, swinging around to look at him. She knew avoiding Theron could be considered childish but dammit, she was gone for 5 years and that was more than enough time for him to move on - frankly she didn't want to confront that right now. "Yes, it is, actually. Considering past events, it is very important for me to be in perfect form."

His golden eyes flared up at her words and he opened his mouth to respond to her, only to clench his jaw firmly, as if he was holding himself back.

"Good," Arin stated with finality as she turned and resumed her walk toward the console, "Then please see yourself out, Agent Shan, while I complete my training rotation."

Just as she reached the console, however, she heard the scrape of a practice blade being taken off a rack. She turned around to see Theron examining the blade intently. Her eyes narrowed to the blade as he began to swing it back and forth.

For a moment, he was silent - the blade capturing his full attention. He was comfortable with the weapon, though his posture was stiff. Just as she was about to demand he leave once again, Theron's eyes rose to meet hers - what she saw in them caused her to gasp.

He hadn't looked at her like that in years - eyes filled with the passion and longing that they'd felt toward one another back on Rishi... on Yavin... without the ability to control herself, she felt herself drowning in those eyes... maybe, just maybe...

Without warning, he tossed the blade out to her as he quickly turned to grab another one from the rack. Arin instinctively reached out and grasped onto the hilt of the practice weapon firmly, and twirled it around her body, before tapping it against the floor in a nervous manner.

"What do you think you're doing, Theron?" she asked bewildered. If she were honest, he was starting to scare her with the way he was acting.

"Well, since you need to stick to your schedule I figured I'd practice with you. I mean, after all, I am your agent for the Alliance, right?" he contemptuously spit out as he advanced toward her.

As Arin started to speak, Theron struck out at her with his blade, so she quickly parried it and rolled away from him. She could feel herself getting more nervous by the second. "Seriously, Theron, you really want to do this? We both know who will come out on top of this so stop while you still can! What has gotten into you?"

"Here's a fact for you", he replied back emotionless. "Everyone conveniently forgets that I was trained by a Jedi Master before my lack of aptitude in the Force was discovered. So I do have some training, Commander. I may not have your affinity for the Force, but I know how to fight." He then lunged at her again and she blocked the attack with ease, not wishing to engage him.

"So tell me why, then - Why you do not want to talk to me? Am I so unworthy of you that you want to ignore I ever existed - just like my mother did?" His entire body was tense as he advanced toward her again.

Shock filled Arin as she let the training blade clatter to the floor, "No! Theron, that's not the issue!"

Before she could stutter out a complete response to him, he continued on, "I know you've been avoiding me so don't even bother trying to deny it. I would think you would've wanted to talk to me after us being apart for 5 years, Arindale. I thought... dammit, I thought there was something between us!" He threw the training blade across the room and ran his hands through his hair as he let out a resigned sigh.

Arin could feel tears coming to her eyes. "I... there is... was... I don't know. I feel like... I'm sorry but I can't do this right now!" she cried out as she hurriedly made her way to the training room's door.

Theron froze at the despair coming from her, "Talk to me, Arin!" His voice had changed - no longer angry or frustrated, but pleading. "Tell me what's wrong! What happened? Do you not feel the same? Is there someone else?"

As she reached the door, Theron quickly approached her from behind, grasping on to her right forearm. As soon as she felt his touch, Arin jerked away from his grasp, crying out with a whimper. "Please - just stop, Theron! Leave me alone! This is too much for me right now."

Tears filled her eyes again and suddenly she was weeping - her whole body wracked by sobs. She laid her head against the door and used her arms to brace herself so she wouldn't fall to her knees.

Theron came up behind her, gently wrapped his arms around her and held her while she wept. "I'm sorry Arin, I didn't mean for this to happen. I just wanted to talk and... I..." he groaned and laid his head against her neck, "I just wanted to make sure you were alright... to touch you again."

Arin slowly turned around in his arms and raised her tear-filled eyes up to this worried ones. His gaze was searing and it riveted her to the spot. No one had ever looked at her like that - As if she was the very air he needed to breathe... yet he kept himself in control, careful to not push her - Like he had all the time in the world.

Theron unwrapped his right arm from around her waist, raised his hand and tenderly placed it against her tear-stained cheek. He carefully wiped away her tears and reverently placed a kiss against her forehead before tilting his head back and asked, "Can you tell me what's bothering you?"

She closed her eyes for a second and slowly exhaled before focusing her eyes on the brown vest he wore. She raised her hands up to his chest and started to fiddle with the buttons on his vest as she gathered up the courage to voice her concerns and fears.

"Okay," she murmured, "let's talk. When we parted ways after Ziost, it was a chaotic. I tried to focus my time and energy on finding the Emperor but I kept finding myself turning my attention to worrying about you and how you were coping with everything that happened on Ziost... how you were handling the disciplinary action handed down by Saresh and how you and your mother... Master Satele... were interacting. Theron, this type of behavior is unacceptable in the Order. If the Council knew about what we have... had," Theron's eyes narrowed at the past tense usage, "done together, I would - maybe even you would - be in trouble."

She pushed at his chest slightly to break out of his embrace and started pacing back and forth between him and the door.

"When I was on Darth Marr's ship and we were attacked, the first thing I thought about was if I was going to see you ever again, followed by a feeling of relief you weren't there to witness what was going on. I knew if you had been there I wouldn't have been able to make the decisions that I did. When I woke up in Arcann's flagship, I was alarmed I was still alive."

"When Marr and I met Valkorian, we both knew he was the Emperor. I... watched Marr die in front of me. I fully expected myself to be next, but the Emperor... he... he offered me a place at his side. I could have taken it, I am ashamed to say I actually considered it, so I could get back to you... but I knew it wasn't the right thing to do and could only hope that wherever you were, you were safe and the Republic and the Order would go on."

"Arcann was the one that came up to me to make the final blow to end my life. I finally had accepted it and was willing to die for the greater good. As I looked up at him, I thought about the times we had on Rishi and Yavin 4... I wanted more time. I was anguished I couldn't admit my feelings toward you"

Arin clenched her hands into fists as she continued on, "When I awoke, after Lana revived me from carbonite, I couldn't help but wonder where you were. The whole time we were making our way through Zakuul, then after getting stabbed by Arcann... the pain of that... then wondering why you weren't there made me question where my focus should really be."

"The Alliance needs me. I need to be solely focused on the liberation of the Core Worlds... not my fascination with my former Grand Master's son! But every time I see you, I feel this connection - I have this need to touch you and be with you but I know I cannot! I need to remain focused on the needs of the Alliance - of the people who believe in me."

After silently watching her for a moment, Theron closed the space between them, wrapped his arms around her, and slowly backed her up against the door. She could feel the coldness of the metal seeping into her skin, making her shiver.

Theron slowly lowered his head to where it was mere inches from hers, his eyes searching - for what, she couldn't really say - but the inferno he caused began to spread through her body, becoming unbearable. He then whispered with fervor, "You are my everything and I will be damned if I'm going to let you push me away," and silenced her words with a kiss so hot it set fire to her blood.

She lost all reason as his hard body pressed against hers - the feeling of his arms wrapped around her waist. Her ragged and raw emotions were so overwhelming and confusing - No one in her lifetime had ever held her like this - like she was the most precious thing alive... like she mattered... like she was loved.

It was then that Arindale, Barsen'thor, of the Jedi Order, lost all control over her emotions and set the fire that had been slowly burning inside of her blood free. All of her repressed emotions flooded through her with a ferocity so intense that it left her as breathless as his kiss.

The one thing that kept her centered, kept her sane, was the taste of his lips. The scent of a man who had protected her even when she’d been ignoring him. She wanted Theron - desperately. Five years had been a long time since she touched, smelled, or tasted him.

For the first time in her life, she felt like she was making a choice not out of duty or obligation. She was making a choice for her because it was something she wanted.

You're Jedi, bound by the principles of your Order.

She was, and part of that was knowing herself. Deciding her own fate and not allowing anyone to decide what she could or would do. She knew that her priority should be focused on the Eternal Empire but nothing except claiming the only man who'd ever made her feel like she was an ordinary person with real feelings mattered right now.

Theron let out a moan as Arin took control of their kiss and explored his mouth, teasing his lips with her teeth. This was what she had been craving since the first moment she saw him. Every part of her was crying out, dying for a taste of his body.

When she pulled back to stare up at him, she felt his body harden. She waited for him to speak, but he didn't - not that she cared - so she focused on sliding her hands under his shirt, splaying them over his chest. Her caress caused him to shudder and let out a groan.

All of a sudden, Theron pulled back, stopping her hands with this own, "Don't start this, Arindale. Not unless you intend to see it through."

She leaned in to nip at his chin. "I'll see it through. I need you, Theron. Now more than ever."

Theron took a step away from her, and quickly yanking off his vest and shirt. Arin sobered as he exposed his delectable chest to her gaze. There was definitely something to be said for a man's body and Theron's was exquisite. From his broad, muscled shoulders to the flat, tight stomach, to his... yes, she would see this through.

Her gaze snapped back up to meet his as he closed the distance between them. He lifted her up in his arms as she wrapped her legs around his waist, feeling the hard length of him pressed against her aching center. His hands drifted from her lower back to cup her bottom, "You sure about this...we can stop..." she cut his words off by placing the tip of her finger against his lips.

He nibbled on her fingertip and closed his eyes for a moment, as if savoring the taste of her skin. "Arin, the last thing I want to be is a mistake that eats on your conscience. I know you're vulnerable right now. I don't want to cause you to catapult over the edge."

She stared up at him in awe. "Are you always so concerned about my feelings?"

He let out what sounded like the cross between a frustrated groan and sigh, "Honestly, I'm finding it hard to stop myself from taking you right now, but yes, I am concerned about the repercussions. I don't want to be something you regret. Ever."

Arindale's eyes teared up. In this moment, she made a horrifying discovery - She was falling in love with an SIS Agent whose life was focused on work. One who had an amazing smile and an irritating ego. That realization floored her.

Unable to stand it, she wrapped her arms around his neck and laid her head on top of his shoulder, allowing the sensation of his body against her's soothe her rattled nerves. "Are you all right?" he murmured against her ear, his breath teasing her skin, causing chills to run across her body.

She nodded, releasing her arms from around his neck as she untwined her legs from him, stepping back and shrugging out of her practice tunic. Theron's eyes widened for a second before desire consumed him, his gaze dropping to the sight of her bared breasts. Growling, he lifted her back up into his arms and dipped his head down to taste her.

Arin shivered at the warmth of his breath on her naked flesh, each stroke of his tongue sending a wave of heat through her. Never in her life had she felt anything like this. Any remaining reservations she may have had fled under the assault of desire.

Before she realized that his hands had moved, he had slipped her remaining clothing from her, leaving her completely naked. For a brief moment, she felt bashful - it had been such a long time since Yavin 4 - but Theron didn't leave her any time for that as he pushed her up against the door.

With his gaze locked on hers, he guided her hand slowly to the part of his body that ached the most. She could never get over how soft his skin was over his rigidness... But what delighted Arin the most was the look in his eyes as she explored his body. There was so much passion and tenderness for her - no one had ever looked at her like he did - like he could devour her. She couldn't help but feel strong and powerful, seeing the reaction she brought in him.

His murmured sounds of ecstasy filled her ears, making her even bolder with her caresses. His hands made their way down her body, before sliding over and into her. Every caress and stroke made her quiver. After several agonizingly pleasurable moments, he knelt down in front of her - one hand still holding her across the waist - and replaced his hand with his mouth, causing her to sob in pleasure.

Her senses shattering, she dug her hand into his coarse hair as he teased and tasted her. How could she have forgotten about feeling this way with him? With little warning, she felt her body crash into wave after wave of rapture.

Theron released his hold on her and she slid down until she lay close against him. He raised one of her legs to wrap around his hip, her body still pulsing, and he slid himself deep inside her.

She sucked her breath in sharply at the sensation of him filling her completely. He lifted up her arms, pinning them against the door with his hand as he kissed her. She returned kiss for kiss, marveling at the incredible feeling of him pressing against her as he continuously thrust into her body.

"Arin, you feel so amazing, " he breathed in her ear before slowly kissing down her neck to her breasts.

She cupped his head to her as emotions swarmed her senses. She could feel them connected, not just physically, but something much deeper - much more profound. She raked her nails gently over his hot, sweat riddled skin. She could feel her body winding up again and before she knew it, she felt her body was convulsing again. Theron let out a moan as her release took him over the edge, following close behind hers.

What felt like hours later, Arin lay naked on the floor in Theron's arms. It felt as though she could stay in his arms forever... He gently lifted her chin so she could meet his gaze. She could sense his nervousness... and another emotion... but it left him before she could register it.

"Do you regret this?" he asked softly.

She felt herself at smile up at him, feeling at peace with her decision. Deep down she knew she could trust this man with her life - He would never leave nor betray her. Theron meant the world to her and damn the consequences of them being together. She sacrificed so much in her life and she deserved some happiness.

"No, Theron. I do not regret this. I'm sorry if I had my doubts. I never meant to hurt you... A part of me was worried you had moved on and I didn't know if I could handle knowing."

She felt his chest rumble against hers as he let out a soft chuckle - Theron kissed her forehead before replying, "No one could ever replace or even compare to you. In fact... I need to tell you something."

"Oh really?" She could feel herself holding her breath as she waited for him to continue. A part of her was praying... hoping... wishing... that it involved commitment... and possibly 3 very important words.

Arin watched as his eyes began to sparkle with laughter, "Yes, I want you... I want us to be... together and for you to know that.... I lo..."

* * *

 

"...Commander? Commander, are you okay?"

Arin whipped around to see Beywan looking at her with concern on his face. Her awareness returned to the training room, stacks of crates leaning against the wall... "Yes... yes, I'm fine. Thanks Aygo."

She shook her head to get her bearings and quickly rushed out of the room - as she reached her private quarters, she felt the tears streaming down her cheeks unchecked as the memories continued to flood through her.

"Why does this hurt so much?! " she exclaimed in raw pain, her hands clutching her face as she sobbed, feeling more alone than ever before.


End file.
